How to Milk a Cow

1. Lasso the cow by its horns and tether it to the side of the corral.
2. Tie the cow´s hind feet together.  Be careful - if she doesn´t feel like being milked, she´ll make it hard on you.  Also, you are in the "discharge" danger zone while doing this - be aware!
3. Let the cow´s baby out of the other side of the corral.  If necessary, help it find the udder. (Little cows are apt to try and suckle knees, pants legs, and tails in an effort to eat the first few days!)
4. Make sure the calf suckles at each teat for at least a few seconds, and then lasso it and tether it to the side of the corral with its mom.
5. Splash water on each teat to rinse it of calf spit, dirt, grass, ticks, and who knows what.
6. Milk! Don´t be afraid to seriously pull - that calf is rougher on her than you will ever be. 
7. Attempt to be cool and develop a sophisticated "finger drumming" type technique for squeezing out milk.  Realize you´re not that cool and will just have to settle for whatever movement makes milk come out.
8. About halfway through, let the calf nurse again for a few seconds to encourage milk to keep coming.
9. Pour the last of the milk from the pitcher into the bucket, carefully release the cow´s legs, and let the calf nurse in earnest.
10. Use this distraction to undo the cow´s horns and slip out of the corral.
11. Repeat daily.